February 2012
1 post
7 tags
January 2012
3 posts
1 tag
1 tag
December 2011
5 posts
2 tags
2 tags
3 tags
1 tag
Fatherly Advice
Son, leave the dog alone for a moment and come have a sit down with your old pop. There’s a talk I think we’re long overdue for: the birds and the bees. Buddy, you’re body is going to be going through a lot of changes soon, and you’re going to have a lot of questions. You’re going to start noticing girls soon and it’s going to do funny things to your body. This is because of the bees. When a man...
Steve and I were messing around in Pro Tools. What...
September 2011
1 post
WatchHey Tumblr- I wrote a video about you. I hope you like it.
Dial M for Murder
July 2011
1 post
1 tag
June 2011
2 posts
May 2011
2 posts
Here’s the transcript of a graduation speech I gave last night. Kind of a mixed reception.
——————————————————————————————————-
Welcome to all the teachers, parents, friends, and of course,...
“My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I announce my resignation of the office of President of the United States of America, effective immediately. This decision has not been made lightly, and is the result of many hours of counsel with friends, family, and trusted advisors, without whose support this difficult decision would not have been possible. There are critics that will say...
April 2011
3 posts
The Kegamorphosis
As many of you know, I recently had the great honor of receiving a fellowship from the Franz Kafka foundation for my doctoral thesis “RT@Kafka: Forschungen eines Hundes In The Digital Age,” in which I analyzed Kafka’s work to extrapolate what he would think about Twitter were he still alive. Obviously I was thrilled to receive such a sizable grant, allowing me to expand my...
Commercial Fan Fiction #2
Here is the second installment of the Pew-Licker Prize (it’s Mad Magazine’s version of the Pulitzer) winning series of fan fictions in which I take beloved characters from commercials and ruin them.
Commercial Fan Fic #2: GEICO
By Justin Becker
Mrs. A scanned the crowd of students as they streamed out of the school in a snaking line. Jocks, geeks, gLeeks (tm), wastoids,...
March 2011
8 posts
This is what love looks like, unfortunately
One time I really annoyed my girlfriend, so she blocked me on gchat at work. I very nearly apologized:
She responded in kind. It really makes me wonder: are press releases the modern form of the love sonnet?
Flagstaff, Arizona: I can save you
I sent this email to the mayor of Flagstaff, Arizona a little while ago. I have yet to receive a response.
Dear Mrs. Mayor,
Hello! My name is Justin Becker. Recently I had the great pleasure of visiting the fine city of Flaggstaff and partaking in the breathtaking nature, exciting night-life, and vibrant cultural scene that rivals any in Arizona and indeed the greater, lower, Southwestern United...
Too Many Justins
In 2007 I began a project I called “Too Many Justins” in which I would try to get every Justin Becker on the internet to cede their email addresses to me for one reason or another. As you can see, these three emails are as far as I got.
You can also see I was fifteen pounds lighter. Curse you Almond Joys!
Commercial Fan Fiction #1
Dictionary.com defines “fan fiction” as a “fictional account written by a fan of a show, movie, book, or video game to explore themes and ideas that will not or cannot be explored via the originating medium.” Let it be known henceforth, on this day of Monday, March 21st, in the 2011th year of our lord Jeezie Chreezie, that I have added one more type of fan fiction to the...
Thanks Burger King
About a month ago I visited NY and tried to meet up with some old friends. One old friend had changed her number since last we talked, so this text conversation happened.
ME: I forgot what your work situation is today, but let's go get food.
FRIEND: who dis?
ME: It's Justin! I'm at Jordan's.
FRIEND: what you mean justin
ME: Whelp. Nevermind then.
It was at this point I realized that my FRIEND was actually NOT MY FRIEND. But that didn't seem to stop her from continue to text me. Did she actually think she knew me? Was she just lonely? Aren't we all just lonely? Was this text exchange giving me an existential crisis? I played along.
NMF: jordans... like where...
ME: By the wharf. You know?
NMF: where that at... i have no idea where that is.
ME: Do you know where the Burger King is?
NMF: yeah... by teaticket market?
ME: Is that the new one or the old one?
NMF: bk by walmart
ME: Yeah, that's the Walmart. We're there.
NMF: okay well im going to the rec... meet me there.
ME: Is that the one by the Burger King?
NMF: yeah the rec center...
My tactic of texting vague lies in the hopes she would fill in the blanks with weird personal details only succeeded in confirming that there was a Burger King somewhere, which I already assumed because this is America. I wrote this one off as a bust, but a couple hours later I got another text.
NMF: Yeah...
ME: Sorry, still at Walmart. Got my foot caught in this grate. You know?
NMF: wow... okay how long you think?
ME: Dunno. It's my shoelace. I don't really want to cut it, cuz they are fly kicks you know. Advice?
NMF: how long you been stuck? can you lift it? you can also replace shoe laces
ME: They're really cool laces. This may take a while. D is headed over with his tools.
NMF: haha okay...
I may have overplayed my hand there. Too absurd? People must get their foot caught in things in Walmart all the time. I tried to ground it again by mentioning "D"- she must know someone whose name starts with a "d," right? Maybe a "Dan?" Possibly a "Derrick?" Maybe she was born in the 1940s and knows someone named "Derwin." In any event, I waited another couple hours and tried another vague lie.
ME: Oh no, it's that girl. God this is so embarrassing. I don't want her to see me like this.
NMF: wow you still there just cut it... wow you really must have patience... i would have already cut it.
ME: You don't understand, my gram gave me these shoelaces. They were my Dad's.
NMF: oh... well then.. thought D was brining his tools
ME: He went to the wrong Burger King.
You almost got me NMF. Thanks Burger King.
December 2010
1 post
First radio play! It’s called President...