So as I mentioned in a previous post, my day job is working as a reader for a successful Hollywood illiterate (who shall remain nameless here to protect his privacy). I feel like I’ve gotten to know him pretty well over the past year- for instance, I knew he would love it if I added swears when reading him fortune cookies- but I misjudged him pretty bad this time.  When I got back from Christmas vacation, he was absolutely furious with me. While I was gone, he did something bad. He tried to pick up his mail.

Getting to the post office itself wasn’t a problem because he hired a chauffeur to drive him around and a door opener to take care of tricky doors for him, but he ran into some trouble when he got inside. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but a couple of months ago I told him that in order to send an email you had to click the little trashcan icon. I thought I was helping him- the last time he sent an email without my help he accidently agreed to star in How to Be a Gentleman. Anyway, sometimes he’s smarter than I give him credit for, so he caught me off guard when he asked me why the send button was shaped like a can. I told him it was because normal mail came in cans, like the pneumatic tube for depositing money at the bank, but that just confused him more. “Well, you know how beer comes in cans?” I said. “Mail comes in cans, just like that.”  I thought that was the end of it, because that reminded him it was beer o’clock and he ran off, but apparently my little lie had somehow stuck in his rectangular head. To make a long story short, the clerk at the post office thought it was pretty funny when he tried to buy a “six-pack of letters.”

When he told me this story, I thought for sure he was mad at me for embarrassing him, but when he handed me this check I realized that wasn’t it at all. I’m still not sure if he was angry that I hadn’t told him mail only came in twelve-packs, or that it doesn’t come from the post office, but either way I think this check is probably invalid.

Stars- they’re just like.