Thanks Burger King

• About a month ago I visited NY and tried to meet up with some old friends. One old friend had changed her number since last we talked, so this text conversation happened.
• ME: I forgot what your work situation is today, but let's go get food.
• FRIEND: who dis?
• ME: It's Justin! I'm at Jordan's.
• FRIEND: what you mean justin
• ME: Whelp. Nevermind then.
• It was at this point I realized that my FRIEND was actually NOT MY FRIEND. But that didn't seem to stop her from continue to text me. Did she actually think she knew me? Was she just lonely? Aren't we all just lonely? Was this text exchange giving me an existential crisis? I played along.
• NMF: jordans... like where...
• ME: By the wharf. You know?
• NMF: where that at... i have no idea where that is.
• ME: Do you know where the Burger King is?
• NMF: yeah... by teaticket market?
• ME: Is that the new one or the old one?
• NMF: bk by walmart
• ME: Yeah, that's the Walmart. We're there.
• NMF: okay well im going to the rec... meet me there.
• ME: Is that the one by the Burger King?
• NMF: yeah the rec center...
• My tactic of texting vague lies in the hopes she would fill in the blanks with weird personal details only succeeded in confirming that there was a Burger King somewhere, which I already assumed because this is America. I wrote this one off as a bust, but a couple hours later I got another text.
• NMF: Yeah...
• ME: Sorry, still at Walmart. Got my foot caught in this grate. You know?
• NMF: wow... okay how long you think?
• ME: Dunno. It's my shoelace. I don't really want to cut it, cuz they are fly kicks you know. Advice?
• NMF: how long you been stuck? can you lift it? you can also replace shoe laces
• ME: They're really cool laces. This may take a while. D is headed over with his tools.
• NMF: haha okay...
• I may have overplayed my hand there. Too absurd? People must get their foot caught in things in Walmart all the time. I tried to ground it again by mentioning "D"- she must know someone whose name starts with a "d," right? Maybe a "Dan?" Possibly a "Derrick?" Maybe she was born in the 1940s and knows someone named "Derwin." In any event, I waited another couple hours and tried another vague lie.
• ME: Oh no, it's that girl. God this is so embarrassing. I don't want her to see me like this.
• NMF: wow you still there just cut it... wow you really must have patience... i would have already cut it.
• ME: You don't understand, my gram gave me these shoelaces. They were my Dad's.
• NMF: oh... well then.. thought D was brining his tools
• ME: He went to the wrong Burger King.
• You almost got me NMF. Thanks Burger King.