The following monologue is an excerpt from an upcoming play I was commissioned to write by the local Apple Genius Bar. It’s called “The Touchscreen of My Heart.”

Lights up on a man standing center stage. He angrily throws down an iPad.

“Are you kidding me? That should have fallen on him! That’s bullshit! Goddamn this game! What a stupid, fucking game! You know what, you can keep my eggs you stupid pigs. What a waste of time. Goddamn it. Angry Birds. What a load of horseshit. The birds don’t even seem that angry- I’m the one who’s angry! It’s almost like… oh my god. Oh my god. I’m the angry birds.

God, it’s all so clear now- this is my life. The way I slingshot birds at precarious, unstable structures housing pigs in helmets- it’s a metaphor for how I constantly sling new “solutions” at problems I don’t fully understand. The red birds represent the way I usually approach problems- repetition and blunt force. No finesse. No special tricks.  Like the way I tried to keep my relationship with Vanessa alive by smothering her with affection!

And the yellow triangle head bird- that represents my career troubles! I’ll be on the perfect trajectory to hit my target, but sometimes I’ll panic and speed up and I end up overshooting my goal! I had the Wilkins account in the palm of my hand, but I took their slow pace to be a sign of resistance and I pressed too hard and scared them away! Patience and trust in the process- that’s what I need! Oh thank you, thank you, you beautiful triangle-headed bird!

And the boomerang bird, that signifies… well I guess there’s no real analogue for that in my life. Like Freud said, “Sometimes a boomerang bird is just a boomerang bird.” Oh no wait, the boomerang bird is how I interact with my father. Yes, it all works!

It all makes so much sense! Even the levels themselves- I’m always building elaborate structures to protect the round, green, pigs of my self-worth! Outwardly they seem so strong, but they crumble from the slightest touch! Ice pillars stand for how I act outwardly cold to people that intimidate me. Wood pillars represent my dry sense of humor, which I use to disarm people who I’m afraid are getting too close to me. And the stone pillars- when I’m uncomfortable at parties I always get stoned. I use drugs and alcohol as a crutch!Oh, those gray pillars may be metal, actually. Huh, I wonder what that means?

Look, that pig is wearing a crown! So gaudy, so flamboyant. That must mean… but no, it can’t mean that. Could it? Oh my god… am I gay? I am! I’m a gay man! I’ve been repressing it this whole time! Oh, thank you Angry Birds! You’ve freed me by taking up all of my free time!”

Exeunt stage left man and iPad. Lights down.