“My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I announce my resignation of the office of President of the United States of America, effective immediately. This decision has not been made lightly, and is the result of many hours of counsel with friends, family, and trusted advisors, without whose support this difficult decision would not have been possible. There are critics that will say that this decision is premature, and an abdication of my responsibilities, and may even be in direct opposition to the will of the people who elected me to this vaunted office, but after much soul-searching only one conclusion could be drawn:

I am no longer fast enough to be President.

The American people deserve a leader who can run fast enough to compete on the world stage. Since my ankle injury sustained last week racing against the Peruvian Ambassador, the American people have effectively been left rudderless. My doctors have informed me that my prognosis for full recovery is not good- I may never recover full rotation in my right ankle, which in turn will severely affect my sprinting ability, not to mention my vertical jump, which obviously will hinder my ability to effectively govern. Will the American people accept the economic policy of a man they doubt can outrun them in an even heat? Not only do I sincerely doubt it –I outright reject it. That is not the America I want to raise and race my children in. It is antithetical to the words the Founding Fathers set down in the Constitution while running around the room in circles.

At noon tomorrow, a helicopter will depart from the South Lawn of the White House, carrying my family and myself to a pasture in Sheridan, Wyoming, where a child is waiting with an ebony-handled comb to brush our hair. It has been the greatest honor of my life to serve the American people and to jump over the desk in the Oval Office for their amusement.

In conclusion, I’m a horse.”

File this one under “If Presidential Races Really Were Like Horse Races,” cross-indexed with “Genius,” and as always, in the folder marked “Me So Horny.”