Here’s the transcript of a graduation speech I gave last night. Kind of a mixed reception.


Welcome to all the teachers, parents, friends, and of course, the graduates! Hogwarts Class of 2011- you did it!

(Pause for cheers, nod)

It is a great honor to be invited here tonight to give your commencement address. I just flew in from Los Angeles, and boy is my broom tired!

(Pause for laughter, point at a broom)

I’m kidding of course- your administration was kind enough to set me up with a flying car. What, you didn’t have a flying limo?

(Pause for laughter, make a “come on!” face)

But enough jokes. This is a very important day in the lives of you fine, young, witches and warlocks. Today marks a decisive turning point- tomorrow most of you will go on to join the magic work force. Some of you will go into magic politics, while others into magic business. A small number of you will become whatever the wizard version of a scientist is, probably invent some new spells or dumb sports or something. In any event, Hogwarts has prepared you to be the next generation of leaders. Let’s hear it for… wait…

(Looks around the room, suddenly confused)

Wait, that can’t be right… Hogwarts is only a high school, right? Do any of you go on to wizard college? Is the entire Harry Potter world run by people with only the equivalent of a high school education? Hoo boy. That can’t be good.

And another thing- didn’t you spend most of your time getting chased around by Voldemort anyway? How much could you possibly have learned? I barely learned anything in high school, and my life was only in danger one time! And that was because I tired to microwave tin foil! You had someone systematically trying to kill you for seven years! With magic fucking powers no less! That had to cut into study time. Can any of you even do math? I’m going to write down some simple arithmetic and you try to solve it. Is there a chalkboard around here?

(A student makes a chalkboard magically appear out of thin air)

Oh. Oh right. You can all do magic to fix any problem. I forgot about that. Eh, you’ll probably be fine. Congratulations on your graduation.

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