So this was a big news week for some of the brightest stars on the TLC network. I know what you’re thinking- one of the Hoarders murdered someone. No. Well, probably one of them did, but that’s not what I’m talking about. On Wednesday, the polygamist family at the center of the show Sister Wives filed a federal lawsuit alleging that Utah’s bigamy laws violate the first and 14th Amendments.   

In a statement posted on his attorney’s website, Kody Brown said he and his family, “only wish to live our private lives according to our beliefs.” Aside from the apparently loose interpretation of “private life” by a man who voluntarily subjects himself to scrutiny twenty-four hours a day, I fully support this position. I have long been an advocate for the legalization of polygamy, and have offered to represent the family pro-bono in court. I believe I have an airtight defense: having more wives means having more places to stick yo dick. It’s sort of complicated, so I’ll break it down:

Depending on the time of month and inclination of the woman, the female body has three orifices where one could conceivably stick yo dick: the poon, the face, and they butt. Thusly, a second wife would double the amount of orifices, bringing it to an even six. A third wife would triple the amount, making nine total. A fourth wife would mean that on a good day there is a dozen places in which one could stick yo dick. Please see chart 1A.

As always, this is Justin Becker saying “Don’t murder me, Hoarder!”